Words I Hate (where adoption is concerned)

It’s Wacky Wednesday, and I get to write whatever I want. I don’t always post on Wacky Wednesday… honestly, some days I’m just too busy surviving the day. But tonight, watching my girls sleep after putting them to bed, I sat reflecting on our adoption, how ferociously and completely I love them, and how little understanding there is in our society about adoption.

Most people are really supportive. But we need to learn that words matter. Don’t get me wrong, when I heard these words, I knew there was no malicious intent. I knew the person just didn’t know. They were innocent, and that’s why they received a kind, sometimes sweetly educational, response. But some things need to be said, and this is my forum to say them. If you know anyone who has adopted, this will be helpful! 🙂

So here we go:

Are they yours? You mean, are they biologically mine, or have I finalized the adoption. Believe me, they were Mine from day one. Even if they had left our family on day two, they would and will be forever MINE. I’ve also heard, oh, are you her mom? Or is this your daughter? Others might disagree…but that’s great. Our skin doesn’t match, I get that you would be wondering if I’m the babysitter. 

Do you have any real kids? Yep, they’re real. Here, see me touch them? Not a hologram: real. You mean biological. They would be real too.

Do you have any kids of your own? See above.

Placements. They’re not placements, they’re people. “We received two new placements today.” No, you didn’t. You opened your home, family and heart to two hurting children who desperately need your love, safety, affection, and approval. If that’s not what you’re ready to give, then you shouldn’t be doing this. Get a pet. This is a wounded human being. The people they trusted hurt them. Prove to them that you’re different. It will take awhile. And they’re not “placements.” 

We passed on him/her. Um, no, that was a person. A human being. You don’t “pass” on them like they’re chattel. How about you felt totally inadequate to parent a child with such great needs? Or whatever the truth was. But if you routinely “pass” on kids, then maybe you have something to learn about innate human value as having been created in the image of God.

Real Mom: I’m the real mom. See? I’m not a hologram either. Plus, I’m the one who changed the dirty diapers. Who sat in terror when we needed to go to the emergency .room because I wasn’t sure if it was a rash with fever that was no problem, or a rash with fever that is a big deal. Who held and kept her from hurting herself during a night terror. Who got up 7 times a night just so she could know that yes, she’s safe, I’m here, again and again. You mean biological mom. She’s real too. And deserves your prayers. 

Real Sisters: You’ve got the point already. But yes, they’re biological sisters. 

Are they twins? Um… they’re almost two years, a foot, and 35 pounds apart. With different facial structure and body composition. No, my children who look completely different are not twins. But they’re both black. So they do look alike in that way. But not to me. They have drastically different shades and hues in their skin, and are each gorgeous in their own unique and individual way.

Adoption Disruption. I have no words to express how much I hate this term and fact. And it’s too big a topic. So I may address it at another time. But for now, both the term and the reality are terrible for everyone involved, but mostly for the child. 

There aren’t words to express how much I adore them with a loving mama-bear “don’t mess with my kids” way, so I’ll end this here*

*but I reserve the right to add words I hate as they come to mind. 🙂


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